Perineum Play: That Filthy Little Spot Between Your Balls and Your Arse

The bit between your balls and your arse doesn't get much publicity. The penis has an entire industry. The prostate has a fan club. The perineum is sitting between them, patiently waiting for someone to remember it's there.

That small patch of skin can be wildly sensitive, and playing with it doesn't have to involve anything going up your bum. Perineum play is external. If you've been curious but assumed it was the first step towards a whole different weekend, there's your first useful correction.

It won't be everyone's favourite, but it deserves better directions than "press somewhere down there". Let's get you to the right car park.

Where is your perineum?

In everyday sex talk, people usually mean the skin between the scrotum and the anus. If you've got a vulva, the matching patch sits between the vaginal opening and the anus. The anatomical perineum covers a wider area and the tissues underneath, but nobody's going to mark you down for that in bed.

There are plenty of nerves there, which explains why a tongue or a fingertip in that spot can make you grab the sheets. That doesn't make it a secret orgasm button. Some people go off like a rocket, and others find it fairly unremarkable. Both are good things to know.

If a partner doesn't know the word, describe the actual place. "Between my balls and my arse" is wonderfully difficult to misunderstand, and it's a rather nice thing to have someone whisper back to you.

Start external and gentle

Clean hands, a light touch and no hurry. Try it when you're already hard or wet, because that patch usually has much more to say once you're worked up. Light circles with a fingertip while you stroke yourself is a great place to start. Then try a firmer press with the flat of two fingers, right as you're getting close, and see what that does.

Notice whether it feels good, too much or not all that interesting. More pressure isn't automatically more pleasure. If it hurts, goes numb or gets irritated, stop. Pain that hangs around is one for your doctor, not something to push through.

The point is finding out what you like. You haven't enrolled in a course where enjoying every available body part is compulsory.

Get comfortable enough to feel it

Choose a position where you can reach without twisting your wrist or holding your breath. Lying back with your knees up, or on your side with one leg forward, is much easier than trying to inspect yourself while balancing on the edge of the bed.

A mirror can help you find the spot. It doesn't have to become a long assessment of what you look like from underneath. You came here for pleasure, not for a new angle to criticise.

With a partner, it's the perfect spot for a mouth or a thumb during a blowjob or a hand job. Being able to say "lighter", "there" or "not for me" is far more use than staying silent and hoping they get lucky. Our guide to talking during sex keeps those little requests easy.

Vibration on the perineum

If you already like vibration, an external toy gives you a very different kind of contact. Keep it on a low setting while you find out how it feels, because this skin isn't as thick as you might think. A smaller tip focuses the sensation, and a broad head spreads it out over the whole area and tends to get into the balls and everything nearby.

For the small, precise version, the Maia Kiko sits on your finger with a raised tip and 9 vibration functions, so a partner can use it at the same time as their other hand and their mouth. Or you can do it to yourself without any contortion. Our finger vibrator guide has more.

For the big, deep version, a wand with a soft head goes everywhere at once. The Satisfyer Wand-er Woman has a velvety silicone head and a very long handle, which helps a lot when you're reaching around yourself. Our wand guide explains the rest.

Keep any toy clean, especially before it goes near someone else's genitals. A minute with the toy cleaner is much cheaper than deciding hygiene is tomorrow's problem.

Your perineum isn't your prostate

The prostate is an internal gland. The skin you're touching from the outside isn't the gland itself, though firm pressure there can give some people a feeling of it from the outside, and it's one of the reasons this spot gets so much attention. External perineum play isn't the same thing as using a prostate massager.

Our prostate massager guide covers that separate subject. Liking this doesn't mean you have to move on to anal, and you can enjoy exactly the thing you came to try for as long as you like.

Maybe you've found a brand-new place you like being touched. Maybe your perineum prefers a quiet life. Either way, you now know where it is, and you've done it without buying into a miracle-spot sales pitch. Bloody useful.