Sex in a Tent: Get Laid Under the Stars and Keep the Mozzies Out

You pictured a quiet campsite, a bottle of something decent and your partner looking unfairly good in shorts and a bit of sunburn. So far, so promising. Then you got into the tent, got your kit off and discovered that the romantic floor was mostly a rock.

Sex in a tent is brilliant fun. You're away from everything, it's warm and dark, you smell like woodsmoke, and you've got nothing to do until morning. But the good night starts with a decent mat and some privacy, not with blind optimism.

Here's how to give the shag a fair chance before the mozzies take an interest.

Choose privacy, not just a zip

A closed tent gives you a visual barrier and not much else. Nearby campers can still hear you, and a bright light inside can turn thin fabric into a silhouette show that the whole campground will be talking about at the toilet block.

Choose a truly private spot where you're allowed to camp, keep the tent closed and think about who's around you. If you're pitched a few metres from strangers, save the big plans for somewhere else. They booked a campsite, and they didn't sign up to be part of your weekend. Save yourself for the remote spot at the end of the track, or get very good at keeping quiet with someone's hand over your mouth.

A soft light makes things cosy without putting you on display. Before the clothes come off, step outside and have a look at what can be seen from there. It's a very useful rehearsal.

Sort the mat before you get naked

A thin mat is fine for sleeping and hopeless once your knee finds what's under it. Zip two sleeping bags together if you can, double up the mats, smooth out the bedding and move anything hard. Make sure no one's about to put an elbow through the wall.

Low positions make far more sense in a small tent than trying to kneel up or hold anything elaborate. On your sides, one behind the other, is perfect: it's warm, it's slow, it won't bring the roof down, and you can keep going for ages with the rain on the fly. Our low-effort position guide is a better source of ideas than a photograph taken in a suspiciously enormous tent.

Leave the tent poles out of it. They're holding up your accommodation, and they haven't volunteered as bedroom furniture.

Pack the few things you'll actually use

Keep the essentials together so you're not digging through the cooking gear when you'd rather be kissing. A small washable bag does the job, and the Fun Factory Toybag S is tough, lint-free and about the price of a bag of ice. It also means you won't pack up with the lube next to the sausages.

• Lube: a securely closed bottle of one you already like.
• Protection: condoms or barriers that suit your plans, kept cool and dry, which means not on the dashboard.
• A clean towel: for underneath you and for afterwards.
• One easy toy: charged, clean and stored away from the dirty gear.
• A rubbish bag: wrappers and used wipes come home with you.

For the one toy, keep it slim and simple, with no cords. The Passion Play rechargeable bullet is a 12 cm silicone vibe for external use, with 21 settings, and it fits in the side pocket with your head torch. Charge it before you leave home. There's no socket out here.

A waterproof sex blanket may be worth it if you want to keep the bedding dry. You don't need the whole toy drawer. The car's already carrying a folding chair for every possible mood.

Keep the mozzies out before the pants come off

Close the insect mesh before you settle in. That small pause beats waving at a mosquito with one hand, while trying to remain seductive with the rest of yourself. Nobody wants to explain where those bites came from.

Keep enough air moving, too. A tent warms up very quickly, and if you're sticky and mostly thinking about fresh air, take a break. Peeling yourselves apart and lying there with the flap open, cooling down and looking at the stars, is a very good part of the night.

Keep insect repellent away from your genitals, and wash it off your hands before you touch anyone's. Bring proper lube for sex. Sunscreen and "it was the nearest bottle" aren't the kind of adventurous story anybody needs.

Make clean-up easy

Plan for clean water and somewhere suitable to wash. A wipe is handy for a small spill, but it won't properly clean a sex toy. Our toy-cleaning guide covers that job.

If you can't clean a used toy straight away, keep it separate on the trip home, and clean and dry it properly before using it again. Keep the clean towel away from the one that just dried your muddy feet. Our guide to travelling with sex toys has more on packing, charging and keeping the small things organised.

You can always change your mind

Sometimes the campsite's crowded, the rain won't stop or someone's knackered from setting everything up. A cuddle and a decent sleep can still be a very good decision. There's always the morning, when it's cool, everyone's gone for a swim and you've both woken up horny.

When privacy, comfort and mood line up, make the most of it. You don't need to make the sex any more complicated just because the accommodation has guy ropes.

Get comfortable, keep the mesh shut and put the torch somewhere you can find it. Future naked you would rather not stand on a fucking tent peg.